The Lingering Rancour

Worrisome revelations were recently brought to my attention. To capture the complete scale of emotions involved without infringing anyone’s privacy, all I dare to mention is that a close friend of mine had an attack - not too long ago if my sources proved to be reliable. Further information is sketchy at the moment, but I have been assured that aside from the further deterioration of the condition, no other significant damages were observed, save for some expected minor bruising.

Albeit the rarity, it’s times like these when I question the wisdom of my parents.

Regrettably, I continue to harbour some resentment towards my family’s decision to retract my opportunity for post-graduation studies. Despite the blatancy, it is not my brother’s insistence to transfer to England for his law degree that left me disgruntled. Sure, there are more sensible, if not practical, options like completing his studies locally where he intends to eventually practice; or opting for Aussie alternatives instead of imposing the exorbitant exchange rate on the family.

No, I am disappointed at my parents for their integrity, or rather the absence of it.

Why did you agree to my proposals in the first place, building my hopes up in the process? Why did you rob me of my chance of enjoying my stay in Australia by duping me into returning home so soon? Why did you choose to divulge such predetermined verdicts AFTER my homecoming and distorted my forward planning into a lack of foresight? Why did you seethe with anger when you discovered I left a bulk of my possessions in Adelaide when foreknowledge was not granted?

So I waited, and interrogated, but no answers are forthcoming.

I acknowledge that non-preferential treatment among siblings should be practiced to ensure the healthy growth of every child. In fact, I wholeheartedly agree that favouritism is damaging; even though it indirectly ended my academic aspirations with its philosophy, its cursed rationale that each individual should be allowed similar chances as seen fit. But don’t you dare accuse me of exerting my influence as the favourite when it is clear I command no such affections from you.

It fuels my indignation, so much that I am now running out of rage.

Yes, a deep breath later and I could almost feel my exasperations slowly seeping away, shifting the emotional energies into the equally dangerous realm of envy. Commitments have shackled me, denying my pleas for mobility, so now I can only stare longingly beyond the ocean at the places I scheduled to visit, the cuisine I planned to savour as well as the endeavours I wanted to experience.

Hence, this is a thank you post to the cunning - the ones dictating my future.

Thanks for robbing me of the opportunity to tie up loose ends before my homecoming. I’m sure it makes you feel superior for pointing out all the things I would have done. Thanks for robbing me of the chance to capitalize on my stay overseas. I will never share any of the unique experiences that I revel in so much. Thanks for robbing me of the prospect to strengthen my friendships. An emotional distance exists now, and growing, between my friends due to my prolonged absence.

If anything happens to my buddies abroad and I start losing friends, guess who I’ll blame?